Saturday, October 10, 2009

Always Darkest Before The Dawn

I haven't written here for a while and the reason is two fold. First there was the painting "Yellow Bird" I was working on and that seemed to be consuming me and then there was my "black dog". Ever heard that expression? It's a descriptive term for depression that I read somewhere and I like it 'cause it fits the strange weirdness that overwhelms me every once in a while. Most people would be very surprised to know that I suffer from depression. Mostly I'm pretty upbeat and smiling but I have my moments, oh yeah do I. But because I paint and that's pretty much a solitary business, if I disappear occasionally, no one really notices or attaches significance to that.
But when it sits down on me I can be more alone than an explorer in space.
Depression is a strange thing; so many people have this but it's so little understood. Even the Psychiatrists haven't a clue - lots of goofy pills but no real "reasons" for the whole shooting match. Why are some of us so overcome by the feeling of hopeless ennui...brain chemistry? Lack of proper nutrition? Genetic marker?
It always makes me feel idiotic because my life is so vastly easier than most folks on this planet. And I know that.
Anyway, I don't really have any wise words about this. I've been through it many times and realize I just have to ride the dog until it passes. Usually I just sleep a lot and generally eat bad food.....I'm sure that doesn't help and ends up making me more depressed. I'll NEVER take any of the psych medications as I personally am completely frightened they will take my art away. And , then, maybe this is part of the creative process. It all feeds into the big picture........I've painted some very deep things when in this space but they aren't "popular". I tuck them away.
So I will just keep on keeping on.

Coming 'round again.

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